Frustrations, Denial, Acceptance, and Fear
April 5th, 2020 (Week 2/3 of the Pandemic)
This last week has been a whirlwind of emotions. I am definitely sure that I went through the 5 stages of grief. At first, I was pleased with the time off. This semester was the busiest I have ever been to in my life. Every week I was required to be somewhere else besides my house. I totaled up my calendar events each week and I was up to 50 hours a week where I was either in class, at school, or at my practicum hours. That doesn’t include homework, cleaning my house, aka the basics of living and being a student. So at first, I was relieved to get a break. Since the closures happened in phases I slowly became more and more frustrated. It started with classes being canceled. (Relieved) Next, my hours started getting cut at work. (Panic set in) I started realizing the severity of the situation and the possibility of losing my job. Then all restaurants closed. (Fear) This is where my frustrations, fear, denial, and anger came in. Not only did I lose my job, but my sister and parents also lost their jobs. Since I live with my sister, this was not good news. Our jobs and school went away but the rent and bills didn’t.
After the first initial shock of losing everything all at once, I started to slowly set in with my newfound reality. At first, I was accepting this break. I began doing things I hadn’t had the time to do. I thought that I hit the accepting phase, but truly it was that I wasn’t thinking about the severity of the situation. It seems like I shoved all my responsibility into a corner of my brain. Now when I think about how much this is affecting everyone, myself, and my family I can not help but feel anger. But its that helpless anger. I can’t be mad at the state closing down. It is for the good of the people. I cannot be mad at the school for closing their doors. They are protecting the staff and students. I cannot be mad at my employers for losing my job. They were mandated to close. I cannot be mad at anyone. But I am mad at everyone. I am frustrated I cannot work and make money. I am frustrated that I cannot go to school to finish my projects. I am frustrated I cannot see my friends and family.
Looking at my frustration I know I share them with every other person. I know that I also have many more that I didn’t list above (Perks of being a graduating Senior at this time) But I also know that I am not alone in this which gives me a sense of relief. This soon will pass and we all will be healthy and back to our normal lives. I am taking this day by day. Doing the best to stay healthy, calm, and relaxed. As I look at the positive side I see how many things have changed in my life for the good. I am sticking with those and making sure to keep moving forward.